


Andy and the 3 Dwarves

by HooperMolly



Category: MasterChef (TV) RPF
Genre: Gen, I've lost control of my life, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-30
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 01:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HooperMolly/pseuds/HooperMolly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Matt is an evil King, Gary and George are enchanted mirrors, Zumbo ambushes unwary travelers and makes them cook elaborate dishes, Matt Moran is a dream inhabiting prophet with a cheshire grin and NOTHING MAKES SENSE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please lower your expectations now. To all persons involved, no offense is intended. Feel free to punch me in the face if you see me on the street. This is written out of (probably misplaced) love.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest wearer of fancy neck attire of them all?" 

Those words were how King Matt started his day, every day.

"You are, your majesty." 

"Yeah, you are your majesty."

Every day his enchanted mirrors gave him the same response. You see King Matt wasn't born into royalty.

Years ago he'd won over the young Queen with his charm and fashionable clothing. 

The couple soon wed, to the delight of the small folk, who had fallen for the tall strange as much as their Queen.

However tragedy struck only a few days after the ceremony, when the young Queen was found dead.

No living relation could be found, and there was no evidence of foul play in spite of suspicions, so the throne passed to Matt.

For the first few years of ruling Matt was kind, and just, and fair. Until the day a man wearing a cravat came to court requesting an audience with the King.

Instead of kneeling at Matt's feet to plead, the man leaped for his throat and tried to strangle him with his own cravat.

"I know the truth! About the Queen! About your cravats! All of it!"

The man screamed as he was dragged off by the royal guard.

"Someone will come and take your place. You cannot succeed by lying and cheating. You will be defeated!"

There was no hiding how much the man had rattled Matt, but his guards assumed it was the assassination attempt rather than the words, even after he ordered them to cut out the man's tongue while he awaited execution.

None of them appeared to suspect anything when Matt issued a public decree banning the wearing of all neck attire on pain of permanent exile or death, for all persons except the King.

They should have. Perhaps if they had they could have prevented Matt's desent into tyranny. Or perhaps not. That wouldn't have been much of a story.

To fully understand what's happening there is something you need to know. Matt's cravats are magical. They're charmed, enchanted, powerful, and rather dandy.

A few months before Matt met the queen, he was travelling in another kingdom when he came across a man lying injured on the side of the road.

He thought nothing of pressing his own cravat firmly against the wound to stem the bleeding.

"You're destined for great things, kind one."

The injured man told him.

"As long as you are the fairest person wearing fancy neck attire, there will be none who can stop you."

What I haven't told you yet, but what Matt already knew, was that the injured man was a wizard.

They have a golden sparkle to their eyes, wizards. Residue of their magical exertions. They also have very white teeth and are usually bald.

Matt recognised the words for what they truly were - an incantation.

So as soon as he got the wizard to the nearest village, he began to search for the famed but elusive magical metal worker.

She was the only one who could make him an enchanted mirror. Or two, rather. Matt thought one mirror on their own might get lonely.

You can only imagine how surprised he was when _she_ found _him_. At least that would be the case if I didn't tell you.

He was so surprised that he fell off his chair, narrowly avoiding a nasty encounter with the wall behind him.

"Terribly sorry, but I foresaw that you would be coming to me requesting two enchanted mirrors. I took the liberty of making them and bringing them to you."

She clapped her hands and several assistants rushed in, carrying two large rectangles covered in cloth. Or at least one large rectangle and one almost square.

The square was smaller than the rectangle.

"I've cast a revealing spell on them, which means they will only ever answer the truth to correctly asked question. But be aware, you can only ask them one revealing question per day, so think carefully before you do."

She turned to go, paused, and turned back.

"Oh, and before the question you must say mirror, mirror on the wall. That way you won't accidentally waste a question if they overhear you asking a servant what's for breakfast."

Thus the tradition of asking the mirrors that one question every morning began.

It had been years now, several years since the assassination attempt and not a single other threat had been made against Matt.

Sorry, did I say there hadn't been another threat? My mistake.

I meant to say that not a single other threat against Matt had been made after which the threatened survived.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is fairest wearer of fancy neck attire of them all?"

"You're majesty, there is another who is fairer than you, a young man with hair as dark as night."

"Yeah. Andy. Fairest of them all"

His mirrors replied. The colour drained from Matt's face. Then it returned.

It kept coming until his face moved beyond red and reached a rather unpleasant shade of purple.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is this Andy that dares go against the law at risk of death?"

The rectangle mirror didn't have eyes, but if it did they would have been squinted in confusion.

"You can only ask one question of revelation per day."

The square mirror repeated this a moment later.

"Only one revelation question per day."

Matt screamed in frustration, and called for his guards. He sent a third of them out to find this impudent fool that dared incur his wrath.

_______________________

Andy didn't know what inspired him to wear a scarf around his neck that day. What I just said was a lie.

Andy knew exactly why he'd worn the scarf, he just didn't want to admit it.

The previous night he'd had a terribly strange dream involving a bald man who disappeared to nothingness save for his grin.

A grin that continued talking, saying something about fairness and wearing something, _anything_ on his neck. 

As disturbing as the dream was, Andy had found himself compelled to find and don a scarf even though he'd been inside the kingdom for five days and hadn't seen a single person wearing so much as a high collar.

This went from being a simple observation to scarily suspicious as every eye followed him along the road, often accompanied by panicked pointing and terrified sqwarks of fear.

Things only went downhill when he came across a small dwells with a sign stating that Wandering Chefs were welcome.

Wandering Chefs were travelers who moved from place to place, cooking for those who needed it in exchange for food, shelter, clothing, and other necessities.

Andy was a Wandering Chef, and all the possessions he had accumulated in the past few years were carried in a pack. On his back.

This only made things more confusing as Andy was sure that he'd never been given a scarf by anyone yet it had been there amongst his things.

Andy knocked on the door and waited. He heard movement within but it was almost a minute before the door swung open.

A short, older woman with snow white hair stared up at him.

"Yes?"

She croaked, squinting at him.

"Hi, my name is Andy. I'm a Wandering Chef. I saw your sign."

He pointed at the sign, making sure that it did indeed still exist and hadn't vanished. That had never happened to him but he'd heard _stories_ that unnerved him.

"Oh, are you? How nice! You'd best come in Andy. I'll show you to the kitchen."

Andy stepped over the threshold and found himself standing in a sparsely furnished living room.

He heard the door close behind him and then the woman screamed. Startled, Andy screamed too.

"Heavens boy, what do you think you're doing, wearing that out in public? Do you want to die?"

Andy's mouth gaped in confusion.

"I...what?"

The woman slowly crossed the gap between them and with surprising speed and strength, shot out an arm and clutched at his scarf.

"This, you damned fool. Has no one told you that there's a law against wearing anything on your neck?"

She tugged hard at the scarf but only succeeded in almost choking Andy.

"It's okay, I'll do it."

He said, worried that if he didn't stop her she might accidentally kill him. At least now he had an explanation as to why everyone had been staring at him.

He was sure that he hadn't tied the knot that tightly but as his fingers fumbled and the fabric failed to budge he began to. Think that there might be something seriously wrong.

These thoughts were compounded when the harder he tried to undo the knot, the tighter the scarf seemed to be around his neck.

"Let me do it."

The woman said, slapping his fingers away and muttering something about 'men' and 'incompetence'.

"What in earth have you done? Welded it to your neck?"

"No!"

Andy choked out as she pulled so firmly on the scarf that he was certain it was going to slice through his neck and decapitate him.

"Right, wait here. I'll get something sharp and we'll cut the bugger off."

There wasn't a chance in hell that Andy was letting this off woman who didn't appear to know her own strength anywhere near him with sharp object.

So the moment she left the room he bolted for the door and sprinted down the street. He'd find work somewhere else.

_________________________

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is this Andy that dares to defy me?"

King Matt asked his mirrors. It was barely dawn.

He could see his reflection and the light shadows under his eyes that were evidence that he had not slept well the night before stood out like a sore thumb. In fact, he hadn't slept at all.

"He's a Wandering Chef, your majesty. He's spent the last few years travelling neighbouring kingdoms, and it's rumored that he makes the best fish dishes in all the lands."

The rectangle mirror replied.

"He's a chef, that wanders."

The almost square mirror repeated.

"And where is he now?"

Matt asked, feeling his blood boiling at the thought that this simple chef with no land or title to his name thought himself above Matt's laws.

"I'm sorry your majesty, but you've asked your question of revelation for today."

Matt let out a roar of rage, just as his head chef Ben entered the room carrying a tray of food.

Ben jumped so violently that he almost tipped the entire thing on the floor.

"What the hell is that?"

Matt asked angrily, as Ben regained his composure.

"It's breakfast, your majesty."

Matt's eyes narrowed.

"Yes, I can see that. But what is it? Talk us through it."

Ben set the tray down on Matt's table and took a step back, swallowing nervously.

"Well, first we have a breakfast burrito over here, and that one there is a breakfast taco, and the last one is a breakfast quesadilla."

Matt's lips pursed.

"Get it out of my sight. All of it. Now!"

Ben started violently before scrambling to retrieve the tray.

"Is there something else you'd prefer your majesty?"

Matt glared at him.

"No. I'm not hungry."

Ben nodded and backed out of the room, bowing over and over again. Matt was glad when he was gone.

Very recently he'd found that he hated chefs.


	2. Chapter 2

It had taken almost half a day for Andy to find another place to work, a small farmhouse run by a kindly middle aged couple. They had also freaked out when they saw his scarf but neither of them were able to remove it, even when they fetched a knife.

The blade didn't have any impact, simply gliding over the fabric.

"What is this made of? Steel?"

They'd asked incredulously. They were too frightened to let Andy sleep there but they did give him a cloak to cover the scarf. 

"The further along the road you go, the closer to the capital you get. You're just under a day and a half out, here. Watch carefully for guards. If they see you in that they'll arrest you and drag you off to see the king. No one comes back from that."

Andy set off that morning with his cloak drawn tight over his head and if anyone looked at him he moaned like he was ill.

No one wanted to get too close after that, not even the royal guards.

___________________

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, where can I find the Wandering Chef Andy?"

It was a minute after midnight.

"In the front room of the Halfvale Public House."

The rectangle mirror answered. It sounded rather sleepy. Matt waited for the square mirror to respond but it just let out a loud snore.

Matt turned from his mirrors, rubbing his hands together in glee.

The shadows under his eyes only served to enhance the menace in his smile.

With immense satisfaction, he sent for his guards.

____________________

Halfvale Public House was your typical village pub. Loud and busy.

The publican was more than happy to provide board for Andy in exchange for a night of work.

"So long as you don't show your face in front of house. If anyone sees that scrap you've got tied around your neck they'll call the guards. If that happens we'll all be in trouble."

So Andy had kept his head down and worked hard, until 11:30 when everything suddenly ground to a halt.

"All pubs have to close now. The penalty is more than my pub's even worth."

The publican explained when Andy questioned him.

By midnight he found himself all alone in the front room with a pillow and a blanket. Ten minutes later and he was asleep.

When he woke up a while later, his first thought was that it must be morning as he shielded his eyes against the bright light.

His second thought was that it was strange that the light was so flickers and close.

His third thought was run.

It wasn't until he'd fled through the kitchens and out the back door that he realized he'd left his pack behind.

____________________

Ben was having a nice dream about a new kind of tortilla when he was rudely shaken awake by a guard, and ushered up to the king's room.

"Your majesty?"

King Matt looked exhausted, which didn't bode well. A tired king was a dangerous king.

"I need you to find someone for me."

This wasn't the direction that Ben had expected the meeting to take.

"You mean you don't want me to make the best possible pancakes in thirty minutes?"

Matt look surprised.

"No. No, why would I ask you to do that?"

He stared curiously at Ben for a moment.

"I'm ordering you to find someone. His name is Andy, he is a Wandering Chef, and he's wearing a bloody neck scarf!"

There was a crunch as Matt spoke those last words, and when he opened his fist the fragmented remains of a wooden pipe fell to the floor.

"Wouldn't it be better for the guards to do that? I mean, I know I'm a chef but we don't have some kind of innate homing ability, we can't just find each other."

Ben shrank back as Matt seemed to grow in size, which is ridiculous because he's already about 8 foot tall.

"I am your king and you will do as I command. You will find this Andy, you will take his neck scarf and you will bring it to me. And also cut out his heart and bring that to me, because otherwise he could just find another piece of fancy neck attire and we can't have that."

The fury on Matt's face was terrifying.

"But why me?"

Ben squeaked.

"Because he fled into the Dark Forest."

Ben's face paled.

"Zumbo."

He whispered fearfully. Matt nodded.

"Zumbo."

_____________________

Andy didn't know how long he had been running but the sun was now up.

He knew he had to find water soon. You don't survive long without water.

But several hours later without any water in sight, he began to get the terrible feeling that he had been walking around in circles.

"Are you lost?"

Andy glanced around furtitively but there was no one there.

"You look lost."

There was a light thump as a short woman dropped down in front of him. She was very smiley.

"Where did you come from?"

Andy asked.

"The tree tops. I've been following you for a while. It's not safe out here you know. Not with Zumbo lurking about, ambushing unsuspecting travelers and making then cook crocquembouches and macaron towers in very short time frames."

Andy began to laugh but quickly stopped when he was the smiley lady had stopped smiling.

"It isn't funny. If it isn't good enough, he kills you!"

It all sounded like some kind of massive joke, until Andy remembered that the only reason he was in the forest at all was because he was fleeing from a ruthless king who wanted him dead just because he wore a neck scarf.

It didn't seem so silly after that.

"So what do I do?"

He asked, hopelessly.

"I can't go back to the main road, they'll kill me! I can't stay here, I don't know how to make a macaron tower! Zumbo will kill me!"

Kylie smiled up at him.

"That's okay. Come with me, you can stay with me and my friends. Our house is beyond the forests borders. Zumbo doesn't go there and the guards won't find you. They won't risk the forest."

Andy smiled back at her.

"Thanks, that's very kind of you..."

He trailed off when he realized he couldn't just call her 'smiley'.

"Kylie."

She answered, even though he'd never vocalized the question. Then she was moving off through the forest.

Kylie was a quick mover through the carpet of leaves that littered the forest floor, and in spite of her not quite reaching his chest, Andy found himself jogging just to keep up.

A few hours later and the trees began to thin until they disappeared altogether a few dozen feet away from a river that wound its way along as far as the eye could see.

A small bridge led to an open grassy space, beyond which sat a cosy looking house.

"This is home."

Kylie said, beaming. There was a brief moment of terror as the bridge creaked ominously under Andy's feet, but he made it to the other side unscathed.

A sign above the door proclaimed the dwelling to be 'Home of the Seven Dwarves.' It seemed an odd name to give a house, but Andy wasn't one to judge.

"I'm hooooome."

Kylie called cheerily as she opened the door.

"I've bought a nice stranger with me. Come say hello."

There was movement from a connecting room and two people came through the door on the left.

"This is Emma and Beau."

Beau might have smiled but it also might have been a scowl.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Andy."

Emma burst into tears.

"Don't mind her, she just really likes meeting new people."

Kylie said reassuringly.

"I thought there were seven on you..."

Andy blurted out before he could stop himself.

"There were. Mario, Mindy, Sam, and Julia."

Beau replied.

"Were? What happened to them?"

Beau's face darkened. He only spoke one word, spitting it out as though it was poison.

"Zumbo."


	3. Chapter 3

It was reaching dusk, and King Matt had been pacing his room for the better part of the afternoon.

He hadn't expected to hear from Ben, not until the morning at least, but it had been hours since he'd sent the chef off into the Dark Forest, part of which bordered they castle's outer wall.

"He's in the home of the seven dwarves."

Matt jumped at the sudden voice.

"What?"

The square mirror spoke again.

"Andy. He's staying at the home of the seven dwarves. It's on the border of the Dark Forest, along the river."

Matt stared.

"But I didn't ask."

If the square mirror had a face it would have expressed its confusion.

"Yes you did. Really early this morning, but I was asleep."

Matt's jaw dropped.

"But the other mirror answered!"

The square mirror scoffed.

"The other mirror. Oh, that's nice. We have names you know. Haven't you ever read the inscriptions at the bottom of our frames."

Matt hadn't. Peering at the lowest edge of the frame he noticed an engraving. 'Calombaris'. A similar etching on the rectangle mirror read 'Mehigan'.

"So you're telling me that at this very moment, that criminal is hiding out on the edge of the Dark Forest?"

If annoyance was a sound, Matt would have been deafened.

"That's what I said didn't I?"

Matt grinned a sinister grin.

"Fetch the rave aster. I need to send a letter."

He ordered a terrified servant, who scrambled to obey.

"What letter?"

Calombaris asked. Normally Matt would have raged about impudence, but he was in a very good mood.

"A letter to an old friend who owes me a favour."

Matt's old friend happened to be a witch, and the favour he was going to ask her to return was a simple curse. 

This simple curse was going to fix all of his problems.

Matt started to laughed evilly. Things were beginning to look up.

____________________

It had taken a guard showing him the point of his sword and threatening to push him into the forest with it for Ben to concede and walk into the trees.

He knew it was come back with Andy's heart, or never come back at all.

Ben also knew that he couldn't kill anyone, so it was either lie - which was a terrible option because Ben was a terrible liar and also the king had those enchanted mirros - or get used to a life in exile.

There was a third option of course, but that was death and Ben didn't like that option.

So exile was his preferred choice and all he had to do for that was find the far edge of the forest.

This was easier said than done, as every direction looked exactly the same. He lost sight of the castle almost the moment he walked in as the canopy of the forest blocked out most of the natural light.

He walked for hours, hoping to stumble upon the forest's edge but had no such luck. Then, the unthinkable happened. Okay, so it wasn't _unthinkable_ but it was what Ben had been trying to avoid thinking about.

"Hello traveller."

Ben turned slowly on the spot. There, in a small clearing, stood Zumbo. Behind him was a crocquembouche, being suspended a few inches above the ground by some kind of spell.

"Hello."

Ben replied weakly.

"Two hours to make a satisfactory replica of this crocquembouche. Do you accept?"

Zumbo didn't seem to blink as he waited for a response.

"Can I make the crocquembouche from miniature tacos?"

Zumbo shook his head.

"Will you kill me if I refuse?"

Zumbo nodded. Ben sighed.

"Well then, I suppose I accept."

_____________________

Julie was a witch. She was a very good witch, in both senses of the word. But she had a dark side, and sometimes that dark side had to come out.

So she was very glad when she received a letter from Matt, asking her to repay a favour he'd done for her years ago.

This was how she found herself approaching the home of the seven dwarves, clutching a basket full of cursed fruit.

The dwarves never opened the door to her, they knew her for what she really was. This Andy wouldn't. All he would see was the cheery middle aged woman.

There was singing drifting out from the window, something about many hands making cleaning fun, and for a moment Julie wondered if her target was some kind of octopus limbed freak.

The singing stopped the moment she knocked on the door. Her best smile was in place as the door swung open, revealing several kinds of furry animal trying determinedly to appear casual.

Julie preferred not to think about what kind of circus she'd just interrupted. A head popped around the door.

"Hello."

Not an octopus limbed freak then.

"Hello, my name is Julie. I live just over the hill. I heard my neighbours had a visitor and thought I'd pop round with a fruit basket."

She held it up, still beaming. He smiled back. Matt had said something about the importance of this man's death, but he didn't look anything special to Julie. 

He looked decidedly ordinary. But perhaps that was for the best. Ordinary people are idiots.

"That's very kind of you."

Andy thanks her warmly. His eyes were fixed on the shiny red apple sitting on top of the fruit pile.

"Go ahead, the apples are my personal pride. Crunchiest and most flavourful in the land."

For a moment she thought she'd got him on the hook.

"I'll keep that in mind."

He said politely.

"It's so nice of you, but I'd feel terrible if I didn't wait until my hosts got back to share it with me. I'll be sure to let them know you stopped by so they can thank you next time they see you."

She kept smiling.

"Well I'd love to stay and chat but I have a busy afternoon ahead of me."

Julie said, excusing herself. Andy looked relieved.

"Thanks again for the fruit."

He said, as she turned to go.

"It's my pleasure."

_______________

"That was some great pastry. Are you sure you've never made it before?"

Zumbo said, taking another bite out of one of Ben's profiteroles.

"I think I'd remember if I had."

Ben replied. Zumbo laughed.

"This was more than adequate. You can go."

Ben didn't need to be told twice. He ran as fast as he could for at least ten minutes, just in case Zumbo changed his mind and came after him.

By the time he felt safe enough to stop it had to have been well after midnight. It could have been almost dawn. Time was difficult to tell in the forest.

Exhausted he founded a nice tree to lean against, closed his eyes and let himself drift of into sleep.

"Hello Ben!"

Ben jumped. Hovering in front him was disembodied grin. 

"Zumbo?"

He asked, although he'd never heard anything about Zumbo being able to turn himself invisible.

"No. My name is unimportant. There are some things you must know and there isn't much time."

Ben rubbed at his eyes, but the grin was still there. He must be hallucinating.

"Wrong. Close but wrong."

The grin informed him.

"You're dreaming. It's the only place where I can reach people in this kingdom. Even the mirrors of revealing cannot see into dreams."

Ben nodded. Naturally. Why would this be anything other than a dream?

"I know about the man you are hunting. You must not harm him. He is this kingdom's only hope at ending the cruel reign of king Matt. There is a reason that Matt outlawed neck attire. Years ago he was blessed by warlock, given great power in exchange for his kindness. But that power has corrupted him, and the only one strong enough to stand against him is Andy. But he cannot stand alone. You must stand with him Ben, it is written in the stars. Your destinies are inextricably entwined."

Ben's jaw gaped open. This all sounded ridiculous. How could his destiny be joined with a man he'd never even met? Why did a warlocks blessing mean that Matt would outlaw neck attire? His head hurt just trying to make sense of it all.

"I don't understand."

The grin sighed. There was a strange shimmering and a face and body began to materialize out of the air until a bald man was sitting on the ground in front of him.

"When the warlock blessed Matt, he put in a loophole, foreseeing the possibility of corruption. Matt's power could be ended if someone fairer than him wore something a bit fancy on their neck. The idea being that Matt would remain a good, just ruler so that he would stay blessed. But he outlawed all neckwear, making the likelihood of this happening almost zero. So I had to step in."

Ben's eyes widened.

"You're the warlock."

The warlock nodded sadly.

"I'm the warlock. I regret it now, but at the time I saw a kind stranger helping someone in need. But hidden inside was a black heart. I now believe that he knew what I was and exploited my weakness to his advantage. Now I shall exploit his. You must find Andy. Find him and bring him to the castle."

This seemed like a stupid idea.

"But they'll kill him. And me. What's the point of that? Besides, I don't even know how to find my way out of the forest let alone find a man wandering through the forest."

The warlock smiled.

"Don't worry about that. Follow the arrows, they'll lead you to him."

His skin began to shimmer and melt until it vanished in a puff off smoke. The smile disappear moments later.

When Ben awoke the sun was streaming through the trees and the birds were in full song. On the ground in front of him was an arrow made from cleared patches in the leaves.

It pointed directly right. Follow the arrows. Right. Ben could do that.

__________________

Kylie, Beau, and Emma arrived home from work mid afternoon. They normally worked until dusk but Emma had grown very upset at the thought of Andy being alone so they'd left early.

"I hope he's made a pie or something."

Beau said, as the smell of warm fruit wafted out the window to greet them.

"That would be lovely, but we don't have any fruit..."

Kylie replied.

"Andy? We're home. Something smells great."

But there was no response. As they walked into the kitchen it became clear why.

Andy was sprawled across the floor, an apple with a single bite taken out of it only inches away from his outstretched hand.

Kylie gasped as Emma let out a huge wail and burst into tears. Beau picked up the apple carefully and sniffed it. His eyes met Kylie's and she knew immediately what it meant.

"We didn't warn him."

She said, horrified.

"We didn't think we had to."

Beau replied.

"But why would she do it? What does she gain by cursing him?"

Beau shrugged.

"She did used to always go on about how she used to be close to Matt. Maybe he told her to keep an eye out for him."

Kylie hugged Emma, who was crying on her shoulder.

"What do we do?"

Kylie asked. Beau looked lost.

"I don't know."

________________________

If mirrors were able to feel apprehension then Calombaris and Mehigan would have been feeling it now, as Matt strode happily into his chambers.

"Mirrors, mirrors, on the wall, who is the fairest wearer of fancy neck attire of them all?"

"You are, your majesty."

Mehigan replied dutifully.

"It's you."

Calombaris responded reluctantly.

Matt cackled, a good and proper evil cackle. He would sleep soundly tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

The arrows were easy to spot and therefore easy to follow. By late afternoon Ben found himself at the edge of the forest, staring at a house with an arrow shaped cloud pointing down at it.

He took a deep breath and strode across the bridge, over the river, and towards destiny.

______________

Matt woke in the morning with a sheen of sweat covering his brow. He'd had a terrible nightmare. Anxious, he marched over to his mirrors.

"Mirrors, mirrors, on the wall, who is the fairest wearer of fancy neck attire of them all?"

He demanded.

"The answer, as usual, is you."

Mehigan said, sounding rather grumpy. He'd been having a pleasant dream about reflections.

"You, for now."

Calombaris replied. For a moment Matt looked reassured, until he realized what Calombaris had said.

"What do you mean, for now?"

But Calombaris refused to answer. Panicking and furious, Matt began to pace. Julie had sworn that he was dead, but could he take her word for it?

He had to see the body for himself. He had to be sure. He was going to have to cross the Dark Forest.

________________

It had only been a few hours since Ben had found out about his apparent shared destiny with Andy, but a few hours is plenty of time to think. 

He was starting to wonder if the whole 'kingdoms only hope' thing had been a bit melodramatic. Perhaps he and Andy were really supposed to run a fantastic pub together. Ben had always fancied the idea of running a pub.

After all, who didn't like tacos and beer?

Ben knocked lightly on the door. It wasn't a very high door. He was going to have to bend to get through it.

The door opened revealing a short woman with dark hair and eyes that were puffy and red like she'd been crying.

"Hello, I'm Ben."

He said in his politest voice.

"I was wondering if there was somebody here named Andy."

At the mention of Andy's name the girl broke down into tears. 

"Oh, no. Please. Please don't cry."

Ben said awkwardly, bending down and giving her a hug. He wasn't one for crying, but sometimes it could be hard not to when someone else was.

"Did I hear you say you were looking for Andy?"

Another voice rang out from behind the crying girl. It belonged to a second woman.

"Yes, I am. Is he still here?"

Neither of the women asked him how he knew that Andy was there, as he followed them into the house and through the living area.

They led him to the kitchen, stopping solemn faced at the door.

"He's in there."

Kylie said, gently. Ben carefully ducked his head and entered the kitchen.

"No."

He said.

"No. That can't be right."

Andy was lying on the long kitchen table, scarf still resting gently under his chin.

"I'm so sorry."

Kylie said, gently.

"Did you know him well?"

The question caught Ben off guard.

"No. I didn't know him at all. I had a dream...there was a warlock...something about destiny..."

His voice trailed off as he gazed sadly at Andy's lifeless body.

"Did you say a warlock came to you in a dream and spoke to you about destiny?"

Beau had entered the kitchen. Ben nodded. Beau looked at Kylie, his eyes suddenly full of hope.

"It's like the old stories, isn't it?"

He said excitedly.

"Sleeping beauty! Adam and Callum! There were curses in those stories."

Kylie squealed excitedly.

"Beau's on to something Ben. There's hope for the kingdom and your destiny yet!"

She said, before smiling up at him warmly. Her head barely reached Ben's hip.

"What do you mean?

Ben asked.

"You know the old stories, surely. A curse can always be broken by true love's kiss."

No one had said anything about a curse. Or true love. Unless 'entwined destinies' was code for true love. Oh god, it probably was.

"True love's dish? Is it a kind of taco? How will cooking him a taco break the curse? What curse?"

Kylie shook her head.

"True love's _kiss_."

This didn't really clear things up.

"Do you know the old stories?"

Beau asked.

"No. Why would a kiss break a curse? It doesn't make sense."

Been exclaimed. Beau stared at him in disbelief for a moment.

"Andy ate a cursed apple that has sent him into some kind of death state, and your biggest concern is that waking him up with a kiss makes no sense. Nothing about any of this makes any sense. I've lost four friends to a man who wanders a forest making lost travelers attempt ludicrous food challenges. Our monarch executes people for trying to touch his cravat. Our neighbour keeps trying to murder us with deadly fruit. NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE! IT'S LIKE IM TRAPPED IN SOME KIND OF DRUG INDUCED NIGHTMARE!"

There were a few moments where they all stood in stunned silence before Emma started crying again.

"We don't know why the kiss works, just that it does. Maybe it's a physical representation of love triumphing over adversity. It could be the summoning ritual of the great demon of death, Th'grad. Does it matter?

Ben thought about it for a moment.

"No. No I suppose not."

He conceded, before stepping up to the benching. Andy looked peaceful, like he was asleep, but he was cold to touch. This in itself seemed unusual. Surely he hadnt been dead for that long?

Nervously, Ben glanced back at the dwarves. Kylie smiled and nodded encouragingly. Emma sobbed.

"Get a move on."

Beau urged impatiently. Ben turned back to Andy. If this work it could fix everything. If it failed then he was going to look like a cocking twat who had just kissed a dead guy.

Leaning down he instinctively closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Andy's.

For a moment it seemed as thought nothing had happened and Ben began to pull away feeling rather silly, when Andy let out a shuddering gasp.

His eyes flew open as Ben fell over backwards, Beau screamed and Emma let out a fresh stream of tears.

"It worked!"

Squeaked Kylie, joyfully.

"Why do I taste salsa?"

Andy asked as he sat up. Ben blushed.

"Okay, so we've had true love's kiss, and Andy's not dead any more. That's great but what do we do now? We've still got an evil monarch in power. How does a couple of blokes kissing fix that?"

Beau asked, throwing reason into everyone's face like a brick of logic. No one knew how to respond.

Thankfully they were prevented from having to formulate any kind of plan by a loud voice drifting in through the window.

"Don't you know who you're talking to? I am your king!" 

All five people in the room hurried over to the window. Or rather the three dwarves hurried over to the window. When Andy tried to stand up his legs collapsed underneath him and he face planted into the ground.

"Why does everyone keep talking about true love and kissing?"

He asked as Ben bent down, scooped him up, and carried him over to the window.

"I'll fill you in later."

Ben replied.

"This is the Dark Forest. I'm king here."

Zumbo replied, darkly. Floating behind him was a large tray of citron tartes.

"Is that so? Then why did the forest show me the where I wanted to go with arrows?"

Zumbo's eyes narrowed.

"I don't think those arrows were meant for you."

Matt drew himself up to full height.

"I'm not even in your bloody forest. The tree line is back there."

He pointed a few feet behind them. Zumbo shook his head.

"The boundary is the river. You haven't officially left the forest until you cross the bridge."

King Matt look ready to start yelling, until Zumbo pulled out a knife.

"Do I have to persuade you to make these tartes?"

He asked, dragging the blade down Matt's cravat. The cravat split down the centre like it was tissue paper.

Everything fell silent. Even the birds in the trees refrained from making a sound. Then Matt crumpled to the ground like he'd been shot.

"What the hell was that?"

Beau asked.

"I think he's dead. His power resided in his cravat. That's why he was so determined not to let anyone touch it."

Andy explained, still being held in Ben's arms and clutching at his neck even though he could probably be standing now.

They all turned and stared at him.

"What? It's the only thing that makes sense, unless you believe in remarkable coincidence.

What they didn't know, as they nodded along and agreed with Andy, was that it was just a remarkable coincidence.

Zumbo must have been satisfied as he prodded Matt with his foot. He nodded, then disappeared into the forest with his tray of tartes floating behind him.

"Well, that's fixed everything up nicely."

Kylie said, turning from the window.

"No it hasn't. Now we've got a dead king only metres from our house and no heir to take his place."

Beau protested, wondering how many cute furry animals he'd murdered in a previous life to deserve being surrounded by such idiocy.

__________

But it doesn't end there, of course not. This is a nice, clean, sanitized fairytale. It has a happy ending.

You see, I neglected to tell you that Andy wasn't just any ordinary Wandering Chef. In fact, five years earlier he hadn't been a Wandering Chef at all. He'd been a prince, the last remaining heir to the good Queen, his kind sister. 

But he had given up his title, preferring to live a quiet life travelling the lands. He had never expected the kingdom to fall into such corrupt hands.

Those in the castle who remained from his sisters reign were able to confirm his identity.

Two weeks after the death of king Matt, the kingdom came together to celebrate the coronation of a new king. The man with royal blood who became a commoner.

It felt as though half the kingdom travelled to the capital for Andy's coronation, all wearing scarves and collars and cravats in celebration of the scraping of the ban against them.

Mehigan and Calombaris were moved to the throne room, where their advice could be sought by all.

Construction began on a new public eating establishment at the gates of the castle.

Pubs were allowed to stay open until 3 in the morning. 

One year later and the kingdom came together once again to celebrate, commemorating one year of the good king Andy's reign.

But even more important was the wedding. The last great royal marriage had seen the beginning of the dark days.

But this royal marriage, between Andy and Ben, was proclaimed widely to be the beginning of a new era. A era of prosperity and well being.

All throughout the kingdom people toasted to the good health and long life of King Andy and King Ben.

It must have worked, or perhaps that grinning warlock cast a spell, because they lived happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand there are a million plot holes in this. I also understand that large portions of it make literally no sense, including the ending. The way I see it there are two possible resolutions - the first possibility is that everyone is an idiot. The second is that Andy was playing a massive xanatos gambit from the very beginning and managed to fool us all into believing he wasn't evil. I favour the 'everyone was on drugs and it was all one massive LSD trip' scenario.


End file.
